Evasive Maneuvers
by CoronaAureola
Summary: Ethan's excellent at evasive maneuvers. Too bad his team doesn't think this skill set carries over to regular civilian driving.


_A/N: From a kinkmeme prompt. It called for a 5+1 (I think?) but I failed again 'cause I was too tired. Sorry. _

* * *

They've just completed another successful mission and finished their debriefs. Granted, it hadn't been as mind numbingly ridiculous as the one that'd brought them together, but Ethan is absolutely ready for a drink and a few hours of sleep. Jane is nodding off in the seat next to him and a glance in the rearview mirror reveals a snoring Benji and Will. Ethan sighs a little and turns his eyes back to the road. Just half an hour more and he'd be able to—

"Oh my god Ethan, watch out!" Jane shouts and yanks the wheel sharply to the left. Muttered curses tumble out from the backseat as they're all thrown sideways.

Ethan puts the car back on the road and brakes. They sit there for a minute, staring blankly at each other before they all start talking at once.

"What the hell was that?" Will wants to know.

"Did you fall asleep?" Benji asks Ethan.

"No, I didn't fall asleep!" Ethan says.

"I was asleep," Jane begins, but she's cut off by a still wild-eyed Will.

"Then why did you grab the wheel!"

"Then I woke up," Jane snaps testily, "and we weren't on the right side of the road anymore."

"But—" Ethan says.

"And there was a deer," Benji supplies.

They turn to stare at him.

"What? I saw it when my face smashed against the window," he says.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Will finally asks.

"Well it had probably been on the road before," Benji says. "Or it was planning on running onto the road. We could've hit it."

"How do you know that?" Will asks. "How do you know what it was thinking? Maybe it was just sleeping in the forest until it looked like some crazy driver was going to swerve into its forest!"

"I'm not a crazy driver," Ethan interjects.

"Ha," Jane says. "Remember those camels?"

Ethan sighs. "That was _one_ time."

"Look," Benji says. "I don't care if there are camels or deer. We don't want to hit any of them!"

"Why don't I drive the rest of the way," Jane says.

Will glares at her. "No way. Your half asleep swerve was what woke us up in the first place. I'll drive."

Ethan starts to protest before he wonders why he's bothering. He'd love to have Will drive the rest of the way. It means an extra half hour of sleep for him.

After that incident though, his team's more than a little leery about letting him behind the wheel again. It's a little amusing and a lot annoying, but after Ethan successfully pulls off three car chases-turned-rescues in one mission, which he's been doing his whole career, he tells them more than a little impatiently, they relent.

They seem to regret it as soon as they're off duty again though, when Ethan manages to find the one pothole on a newly paved road. Frankly though, his team seems more upset at the pizza that had managed to fly out the window.

"I don't understand how you still have the box," Ethan says.

"I don't understand how you managed to hit the pothole," Jane says.

"The box wasn't latched," Will says, examining the now empty box.

"Pizza boxes don't come with latches!" Ethan says.

Benji, who'd been mournfully staring out the window at the pizza on the side of the road getting smaller and smaller, finally turns back around and says, "Um, Ethan, could you please _watch where you're going_!" The last words turn into a shout as Jane lurches over once again to grab the wheel when some crazy driver tries to pass them by driving them off the side of the road.

"Did you see that asshole?" Ethan says, glaring at the bright red SUV still weaving in front of them. "Does he not know how to drive or something?"

His team attempts to surreptitiously exchange looks when they think he's not looking, but what they don't know is that Ethan notices _everything_. Except that—

"Car! Car! Car!" Will hollers as Benji closes his eyes and mutters something under his breath.

Ethan easily dodges the car that had seemingly been attempting to ram them. It's a blue SUV this time. Ethan glares at the driver as she passes him, not that she notices, what with her sunglasses covering half her face and attention being buried in her smartphone. "People who don't know how to drive really shouldn't be allowed on the road," he comments as he checks all his mirrors before he executes a quick U-turn into the other lane.

"What?" he says. "Will lost the food out the window. We have to go back and get some more."

Because he does care about his team's psychological state of mind, Ethan goes to IMF's evasive maneuvers instructor to take the test again.

"Why?" he's asked.

"Because, Bill," Ethan replies, "my team doesn't think much of my driving skills."

Bill scratches his head. "You got a perfect score on the test, Ethan."

"I know," Ethan says. "But it'd help put their minds at ease."

Bill shrugs. "Alright then, if you say so."

Ethan claps him on the shoulder. "Thanks Bill."

An hour of dodging gunfire, fleeing from several armored trucks, and avoiding civilians jaywalking all over the place, Ethan steps out of the car.

"Good as ever," Bill says. "Just tell your team I said not to worry."

Ethan does, but his team doesn't seem very impressed.

"We appreciate you doing that Ethan," Will says, "but that's not really the problem."

Ethan sighs. "I thought you didn't approve of my driving."

"We don't," Will says.

Ethan lifts an eyebrow.

"What we mean is," Benji says, "that you're great at evasive maneuvers, which is really important and all, but—"

"—but you suck at real driving," Jane says flatly.

"Yeah, you can't even drive in a straight line," Will says.

"And you keep almost hitting trees," Benji says.

"No, the non-linear driving is really a problem," Will says.

"And that time I almost threw up after ten minutes on Route 80," Benji says.

"So, we've decided that Will is the new designated driver," Jane says brightly, bulldozing over Will and Benji.

Ethan stares at her. Apparently it's news to Will as well.

"Why me?" he complains. Benji quickly draws him aside and whispers something into his ear. Will's expression slowly changes from indignant to resigned.

"Ethan," Jane says. "You're the best team leader anyone could ask for. But outside of super spy driving, you can't drive worth shit." She shrugs. "And look at it this way: now you can drink with the rest of us when we go barhopping."

Ethan thinks it over and then shrugs. "Alright," he says.

"Thank god," Benji mutters. Will kicks him.


End file.
